Journalled on Sunday, 10 May 2026 | Santo Cristo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 26 degrees, hot, sunny, but slightly overcast.

It is Sunday, and life is full of highs and lows.

Yesterday was a high, and today is a low. Yesterday was highly productive, with a meeting at Studio B, a small fine art studio and printer’s. I was happy because the meeting went very well and set the stage for setting up PlaceBeads.

I hadn’t slept well last night, and this morning I woke to a wave of negative thoughts, especially about Julie and me. We have been talking since my birthday, and now it seems as if we had never had a break from talking or from having contact for the last couple of months, as if there had never been a gap, a space.

Julie will have her divorce hearing with the judge on the 28th of this month, unless there is a delay. Initially, she had expressed that, after the finalisation of her divorce, which had lasted almost 3 years, she would like to come to Brazil and stay with me for a month to relax and recharge after such a draining separation. I thought it was a good idea and told her she was very welcome.

Now, since we re-began talking, she came up with the idea that I would go to England, stay there for a couple of weeks, and that she would come back with me to Rio.

On the surface, it seems okay, and it is, but on a deeper level, I feel I’m always having to prove myself to her, and it is draining. Or am I overreacting?

In her eyes, it is easy for me to go to England. Money is not an issue. While in England, we can travel and have a great time without being talked about. I foot the bill.

When I was in England, I coincidentally received my uncle’s small inheritance, so going to good restaurants was not a problem then. But coming back to Brazil, two years on, the problem of finding a place, paying a deposit, investing in the long Gringo, etc., has left my savings gone.

Brazil is both cruel and very difficult at the moment. I don’t have the cash flow I had then!

But Julie does not see it or does not want to see it, and because she has been used to others paying her bills all her life, explaining this to her is complicated.

I also think it is a generational factor. Women of my age and hers are not really used to paying their own way in a relationship. For a couple, it is complicated because the times have changed.

Jessica’s generation, my elder daughter, who is 33, is different. Mario only invited her to live with him after she graduated and secured a stable job, essentially so they could split the bills down the middle. The younger generation’s mentality today is different.

I understand all that, but it makes me feel bad trying to explain something to someone who has difficulty understanding it, or who simply does not want to know, whether out of ignorance or incapacity. Her life, her reality, is different. She has been accustomed to something different, either for a long period or throughout her life.

There is another factor that plays a major role in this, which I briefly mentioned at the start but is still important.

Because of this, the impression I have is that I’m being used, played, and having to constantly prove my worth in a very subtle, hidden way.

When I decided on and paid for Julie’s trip to Brazil more than a year ago, and for our short trip to Paraty while she was here, I felt disappointed and frustrated when she left, perhaps mainly because of expectations.

It was a big deal for me at that time. The expectations were too high, and although her visit was very good and she had a great time, there was a sense of disappointment about the intimacy between us and the possibilities for future plans.

Considering I have very deep feelings for her, I felt the actual intimacy we shared was much lower than in past experiences and relationships. Maybe a past girlfriend was not as important to me as Julie is, but our level of intimacy was much higher, not just sexual but also emotional.

Maybe I’m looking too much into the situation, too much into my expectations at that time, my stupidity, my fingers are burnt, and now I’m not so sure. All I just don’t want to repeat what happened before, a feeling of giving, giving, giving with very little in return.

When Julie returned to England a little over a month after I asked her to give me a position for us, for us, or for me, and she couldn’t do it, it again disappointed me even more.

What I’m trying to say is that I’m afraid of investing again in something, particularly of shelling out a lot of money to please someone, while including my feelings and just getting scraps and breadcrumbs in return.

And that is the real crux of the problem. I’m tired of investing in something with little return, the minimum return, and then becoming disappointed, frustrated and angry, principally with myself.

That is bad. It is unnecessary, and only I am to blame for allowing myself to get into such a situation. This is what is worrying me, but let’s see what will happen. Only time will tell.

We talked. I felt bad, and that was it.