Journalled on Monday, 22 December 2025 | Santo Cristo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 30 degrees, hot, sunny, sticky and slightly overcast.
I am not good, I’m feeling bad.
It’s not just one specific reason, such as my disagreement with Yasmin, but also my nostalgic memories of this time last year, when I was preparing to receive Julie on the 26th, Boxing Day.
The truth is, I’m feeling very alone. I think what fundamentally triggered it was my fight with Yasmin and her sense of entitlement, coupled with her lack of gratitude for what her mother and I do for her.
Her lack of sense of responsibility in doing her best at school deeply hurts and disappoints me. Her saying that the sacrifice I make is my responsibility as a father to her shows me how ungrateful she is for what I do and have done since she was born.
In the heat of the argument, I said that my life had been on hold for the last 20 years and that I wanted to do something for myself. She, without hesitation, coldly said that she had not been chosen to be born.
What the f#ck!
I also said in my justification that I knew of friends from the past, men I knew, even some millionaires who never had paid a cent to their ex-girlfriends or wives who got pregnant and then separated.
I was trying to say that I chose to be near her, that I wanted and have been trying to give her what I can, so that she has the best possible chance to begin her life well. But it seems for her it was only the minimum of my responsibility, and I had chosen to do that because of my character, and that it was that I had no choice.
What I meant to convey is that men who were in much better financial positions chose to walk away from the situation. In my case, I never considered that option; it never even crossed my mind. I accepted the sacrifices that came with it, and I do not regret it. What pains me is the lack of recognition for my efforts and her sense of entitlement.
In life, there is always a choice, no matter how bad or difficult the situation is, and whether you like it or not!
I’m wondering if it’s genetic. My parents did not show us what a loving, close family was. There were tiny glimpses of it at times, but nothing very solid, a solid base where a real family is built on love and care. We all have arguments, but the family, its members and the family as a group turn themselves into a rock-solid, strong, close-knit family.
We in England never had this as a family; my mother preached it, but never really practised it. I think my father was so disillusioned with his marriage that he finally walked away. Later in life, he married into another family and was embraced, accepted, and cherished by them.
Sometimes I feel like walking away, but not as punishment to others, but for self-preservation.
In Stoicism, one of its main rules is to focus on what you can control and accept what you cannot. Fundamentally, this means you can control yourself but not others, so concentrate on yourself and not on others, and that is what I intend to do.
I feel so alone and devalued right now, and I think a bit of it is due to the lack of money. My reserves have gone down considerably over the last couple of months, not because I am irresponsibly spending more, but because Brazil’s cost of living has risen significantly.
It seems that everything is coming together, but not in a positive way: Julie, even though I know she is not good for me, I still miss her. Yasmin’s ungratefulness, the cost of living in Brazil, new taxes in Brazil from January onwards, and Brazil itself are becoming even worse places to live.
However, England is not much better, and next year I will have to go, which is a crisis for me.
It’s all happening at the same time. I’m working like a madman on the blog and the YouTube channel, but so far, nothing is happening or monetised. I’m just running like a madman, a hysterical hamster, or a crackhead hamster running like crazy on the hamster wheel.
It looks like I’m going into next year with a lot to do, but that’s been the story of my life.
In bed by 10 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
