Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 11 degrees, cold, rainy and overcast.
It is Monday, following a busy weekend spent going to various places with Julie. A visit to the greyhound shelter to see such beautiful dogs, Wolverhampton, that I haven’t been to for such a long time, and finally going to Stourbridge for a late lunch, early dinner.
It was important for me to go to bed early as I wanted to have a good night’s sleep. I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a long time. The weekend was good but tiring, so I want to rest. I’m trying to find a way to get back to either going to bed early, which is tough since my last class is often at 11:00 p.m., or getting up later, around 7:00 or 8:00 a.m., which isn’t really my preference. I like to get up early and do many things early, it begins the day well, I feel more realised and productive.
I got up early, did a workout in the back living room, and then went out to the cafe on the green. I arrived early, talked a little to Jim and started to write. I want to catch up on at least two days of backlog of journal entries that I didn’t have time to do over the weekend.
Shortly after Julie arrived in the cafe, we exchanged a cordial good morning greeting. I continued writing and then ordered my English breakfast as I was almost finished. My breakfast meal, which I had paid for more than 10 days ago, I hadn’t had until now.
The day I paid for the meal, I was persuaded to buy a cappuccino that was too filling for me; it was too much to eat at that moment. Jim had offered to reimburse me, but I declined, saying I would have it sometime in the future.
I ordered my bacon with hash browns, poached eggs, and a spicy jam. It was very well presented; you could tell that everything was fresh and cooked to perfection. To my surprise, it was really very good and tasty.
I hadn’t had poached eggs in years, and as a child, I hadn’t liked them much, but Jim’s cooking was very good indeed. After eating and on my way out, I went to the kitchen and told Jim that it was perfect and thanked him.
My first class was at 4:00 p.m. On the way back, I stopped by Luke’s to discuss business with him, but there were people in his café, so it was impossible. We arranged to try to talk tomorrow, as I need to attend to some matters at the building societies for my mother. Perhaps we could have a quick meeting before or after.
Before my first class, Julie called to tell me she had had another argument with a work colleague for the second time in two weeks. We discussed it, she explained what had happened, and then she asked for my opinion.
I told her that Mat, her colleague for several months, was not really respecting her, often making dry, ironic, or even sarcastic and hurtful comments. She had not called his attention to the issue before, and now it has caused the situation because she had not established boundaries—limits that, if set earlier, might have prevented it from escalating to such a point and spiralling out of control.
Secondly, in Julie’s defence, she essentially returned what she was receiving, and Mat, in some ways, was not prepared for that. Or he wasn’t expecting Julie to give him some of his own medicine, possibly because Julie hadn’t established boundaries before, or perhaps because, like many people, they can give it out but struggle to accept it, and sometimes the best form of defence is attack.
The person who prefers to intimidate and provoke others is usually trying to project a stronger position than they actually have and is generally attempting to conceal their own weaknesses and insecurities.
Usually, someone who is overly confident and openly displays a sense of superiority is often very insecure internally. In a way, Julie called him out, which upset him, as he probably did not expect it. A man who gets upset when a woman vindicates or defends herself against his own tactics — how insecure is that for a man?
It is bordering on pussy material!
But lastly, what I also tentatively told Julie was that I think she has a sharp tongue at times. I have noticed in quite a few situations that she can say the wrong thing, or say something that comes across as ironic or even sarcastic criticism that, if taken the wrong way, can hurt a person’s deepest feelings.
I have learned either to ignore such comments or, in extreme circumstances, to call her out and ask her to explain her seemingly malicious remarks, which are mostly unnecessary and uncalled for.
And why does Julie do that?
Does she do it, but she doesn’t realise what she’s doing or saying—something unconscious? Or is it because it’s her way of defending herself, again driven by her insecurities, that she occasionally makes comments that can hurt someone’s feelings? Or does she do it because she’s Julie and it’s part of her nature, and it feels normal to her—perhaps, in some ways, she even enjoys doing it.
Is this beautiful, little, perfect woman whom I had not known before dating her perhaps not as attractive and not as perfect as I had previously thought?
Am I merely lonely, a woman shows interest in me, and I am desperate to win her heart because of my insecurities? I enjoy her company, especially her dog. We have a sex issue that we haven’t resolved yet, but deep down, I’m trying to decide whether we are compatible and if she is genuinely the right one for me.
There was a lot of anticipation and expectation before, when I was going to the cafe and we flirted, now the reality is kicking in, and I’m just not so sure anymore.
My intuition is saying to me to run, I am trying to understand if I am repeating what I have done many times before and it is a pattern and it is just me repeating the same mistake maybe due to a low self-esteem or is my intuition really trying to tell me something because every time I don’t listen to my intuition, I get fucked.
Dinner with my mother and in bed by midnight.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
