Parenthood does not become simpler when a child reaches adulthood.

The questions change, but the uncertainty remains: when should we give guidance, when should we step back, and how much of the present is shaped by the past?

It is Monday, and Yasmin returned to her mother’s this morning instead of last night. Later in the evening, her mother, Nalva, sent me a message complaining about Yasmin’s behaviour towards her. She described Yasmin as being abrupt, rude, and almost impolite, even though Yasmin was defending herself against her mother’s complaints.

I know that Yasmin is an adolescent, and adolescence can be complicated. It is a period of profound physical and psychological change, a bridge between childhood and adulthood.

I am not a psychologist, and I have not researched the subject online or elsewhere. I can only speak from my experience of raising two daughters, which has left me feeling that adolescence can be especially complicated for teenage girls.

Before travelling to England to visit my mother, I shared a flat with Nalva and Yasmin.

I had given up the flat I was renting in Copacabana because the landlady needed it back. Since my trip was already planned, I decided to move in with them rather than rent another place beforehand.

I stayed with them for almost 6 months, longer than initially planned. The first couple of months were OK, but as time passed, Yasmine began to have problems with me, and I, in turn, had problems with her.

During her school holidays, I tried to give her tasks and encourage her to take more initiative, believing it would help her. Instead, it made things worse. The atmosphere in the flat became unbearable and, at times, toxic. By the end of my stay, leaving for England felt like a relief.

Another occasion was in December of last year, when it became clear to me that Yasmin was not taking her studies seriously and that they were clearly at the bottom of her list of priorities.

When I tried to confront or even talk to her about it, she declared a passive-aggressive war against me for at least three to four months.

Only after almost six months, with a lot of patience and the dust settling, did our normal relationship return. Yasmin has told me various times that her mother and I should not be together, which I sometimes find strange, as children usually want their parents to get back together or be together.

When I have asked her about such a mentality and her way of thinking, she says that she and her mother are completely different, which, in a way, is very true. However, I feel that there is more to it. Is she jealous of one or the other?

When both are good together, does she prefer to be with us 1-to-1 rather than be with her mother, so that she does not have the relationship and attention divided in any way or form?

Or is it that if I support her mother, or her mother supports me in an action against her, she would feel intimidated, weak, vulnerable and without control?

I think it may be a little of each, or perhaps none of them. I honestly do not know. What is clear is that Yasmin is now a young woman with a very strong personality, undoubtedly inherited from both her parents. She is no longer the little girl who endured bullying, psychological abuse, or abandonment from her mother when she needed her most.

For me, this is the heart of the problem. We often reap what we planted in the past, and that is true of many things in life, including the relationships between parents and their children.

My own personal example is my mother with her two sons, my brother and me, and the respective family members, daughter-in-law’s grandchildren, etc. My mother has four grandchildren with zero contact with all of them, and what Contact they have had over the years has left almost bitter feelings on both sides.

Although I say all this, I have also come to believe that nearly every family I know is dysfunctional in one way or another. As Yasmin’s father, I want her to become a balanced, interesting and fulfilled young woman.

I know that is a lot to ask, but it is what most parents want for their children. At the same time, there is only so much that I, or any parent, can do. Eventually, we have to trust them to take responsibility for the lives they are building.

She will be 19 in June, and even though I’m there to help and guide her when she wants or needs it, she also has to do her part and pull her weight in her own life, with her own goals, aspirations and responsibilities.

As for Nalva, I have reached a point where I no longer feel responsible for her choices. That may sound harsh, but it is honestly how I feel. I am not her father, and I believe that without my help she would be in a much more difficult position today.

Am I bitter about the past? No, I am not. Perhaps I was for a while, but that belongs to the past. Now I want to enjoy whatever time life still gives me.

Be kind and be happy. If you cannot be happy, still be kind, but never be naïve.

In bed by 10 p.m.

Thank you for reading. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.

Richard

Photos by Richard George Photography

The post When Guidance Becomes Letting Go and a Parent’s Uncertainty first appeared on The Long Gringo.

Monday is the beginning of the week, and things are beginning to show light, a new start.

The day began well with exercise early, a coffee on the way home, and classes the whole day, nothing new or remarkable.

I hadn’t slept well the night before because I noticed Yasmin had decided to study only late Sunday evening. All day, she had amused herself on her tablet and cell phone, with no voluntary responsibility to do what was right in her studies.

I have also noticed that if I let her, she will stay home all day in the dark, without going out or feeling the need to go outdoors. Yasmin will soon be sixteen; as a father, I must try to change this situation before it is too late. She needs to realise the significance of education and have a genuine interest in learning.

Her academic future requires her to be proactive and take the initiative. She should also stay physically fit by walking and caring for herself with confidence and pride.

I’m concerned that my youngest daughter isn’t putting in much effort and is only doing the bare minimum.

As for my eldest daughter, she is overweight, and I believe it is due to a lack of discipline when it comes to physical exercise. However, I have noticed a change, and I hope she’ll keep it up rather than stop.

As I have said before, from a very young age, I played in the street and the fields near where I lived, walking three, four, or even five kilometres daily, as time meant nothing to me. If Yasmin walks five hundred metres, she complains.

I am trying to say there is no room for laziness in life, especially when you are young and have your whole life ahead of you. You need to take advantage of every second, minute and hour of every day without the impoverished mentality that life owes us something.

We must go out into the world and fight for what we want like anybody else, as everybody else who wants something knows that only through sacrifice, hard work, determination, focus and discipline.

Nothing falls from the sky into our laps; we have to fight for it; there is no room in life for victims and victimisation. Victims usually end up at the back of the queue, feeling sorry for themselves whilst waiting for someone to give them an easy ride.

My father abandoned my brother and me when we were still relatively young, so there was no real father figure to give us direction in our adolescence. This is what I have been trying to do with both Yasmin and Jessica. More so with Yasmin, since Jessica is now an adult and I’m nearby for whatever she needs.

So, I have decided on two things Yasmin must do before her ear is pierced for her birthday in June.

When Yasmin arrived home from school at about 2 pm, I immediately told her I wanted to talk. Whenever I say this to my daughters, they automatically become apprehensive and concerned. We sat in the living room, and I explained that I was worried about her and some aspects of her life.

I told her that life is a two-way street and that I would not pay for her piercing until two conditions had been met.

• First, I only want her to use her cell phone or tablet for personal and leisure use only after seven in the evening. It could be earlier, but I thought seven pm was a reasonable hour.

• Second, she would have to enrol in a gym or fitness school at the beach and lose some weight.

I don’t think these proposals or conditions were radical or unfair; they were simply what she needed to do to get used to looking after her own mind and body.

Her first reaction was shock, denial and aggressiveness. I know many women who believe the best defence is to attack, and that is precisely what she did. Then she cried, and later that evening she returned to aggression.

Her mother has good intentions but struggles with execution and focus. I have done what her mother could not do by setting limits and conditions for Yasmin’s improvement. I think I did the right thing, but only time will tell, so let’s see what happens

I also don’t want, in the future, to have a heavy conscience thinking about what I should have done in the past and didn’t, and why not. I have also concluded that life is full of small emotional earthquakes, and if there are no earthquakes, then you are dead.

Our lives are certainly not perfect, and the societies we live in are not perfect either, so we must make ripples in the water of our lives to change or stop bad habits we keep repeating, so our lives can move forward.

Now, I am the villain at home. I have been living with Nalva and Yasmin for almost two weeks, and I am already trying to change everything that is wrong. The fight is on!!! The flat is cleaner and more organised, the accounts and bills are up to date, and my daughter needs to take on more responsibility.

In bed by 10 p.m.

Thank you very much.

Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.

Richard

Photos by Richard George Photography

The post A Father’s Quest for his Daughter’s Improvement first appeared on The Long Gringo.

It is boiling and stuffy. Today is Yasmin’s Day. Although it was not her birthday, we spent the whole day together.

As parents, it is important to read when our children need or seek our attention. Even though the child is not alone or lonely, a parent is sacred to the child. Sometimes, we can be blind to our children; the parent must understand that one of the most essential factors for a child is the quality of attention the parent can give him or her.

While Yasmin slept, I left early to work out at the end of Leme. When she woke up, I was already home and had made breakfast. A little before midday, we decided to take a walk around Copacabana.

I don’t have much money because I spent a week without working during carnival, so walking is good because it’s cheap and easy.

The sun is scorching in the street. My hands are burnt from the lethal combination of lemon juice and sunlight on my skin. I have been preparing and drinking a lot of lemonade lately. Lemon juice with water, sweetener, cinnamon, and sometimes ginger and garlic, all for better health.

I had prepared lemonade before going out, and I hadn’t washed my hands properly, and now I am paying the price with severe burns on both hands. I had to buy Vaseline to put on the burns to ease the redness and pain, as it was too much.

Even so, we visited a friend who has a shop in the same building where I used to go to school. Many young women in the shop like Yasmin very much. Yasmin also likes their company, as when they are all together, there is a lot of joking and laughter.

As a father, I think it is good for her to interact with others; she is with people who enjoy her company, and as Yasmin sometimes has problems socialising, it is good for her.

We spent about 40 minutes there, then headed to a large stationery store to see if there was anything worth buying. Yasmin has always been passionate about drawing, sketching, and creating, so a stationery store is very special for her.

Unfortunately, we couldn’t find anything interesting there. Since Yasmin had everything she needed, we had lunch at a local Per-Kilo restaurant. The food there is both delicious and reasonably priced.

After leaving the restaurant and heading home, we decided to buy açai to take home. I like açai with granola, but Yasmin prefers it with powdered milk.

When we got home, I had to rest because I was exhausted from walking in the hot sun for so long. Yasmin wanted to draw and finish off her homework for Monday.

At 7 in the evening, we played a best-of-three chess match. We had arranged to play the day before, but I wasn’t in the mood; I was still tired. Even so, we played because I knew how important it was for her.

I won the first game and thought I’d win the second; she turned it around and beat me. One, one, and the third and deciding game. She literally slaughtered me in the last game. I was not helping her win; she played much better than I did.

It was a lovely day with my younger daughter; I think it was complete for both of us, and nobody died!!!

In bed by 9 p.m.

Thank you.

Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.

Richard

Photos by Richard George Photography

The post The Importance of Quality Time first appeared on The Long Gringo.