Journalled on Saturday, 8 November 2025 | Santo Cristo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 30 degrees, hot, sunny, overcast and with showers.

Just another Saturday, but not quite. Nowadays, I love my weekends.

The feeling of not having to teach on the weekend gives me a sense of freedom I don’t have during the week. Don’t get me wrong, I like teaching and the pupils I have, but the obligation to sell my time, after so long, sometimes hurts my soul.

I still have to do my other duties, such as blogging, journaling, and, if possible or necessary, video editing. Still, these are my own choices, not necessities or a hard, unwavering obligation. There are times when I don’t feel like doing them, but I do them because they are essential to me. I want to do them, and I have a choice, but during the week, I don’t have that choice with classes.

Today I have done a lot of exercise, including a 10K walk, a swim of 30 lengths, ab wheel exercises, meditation, stretching, some aerobic exercises and Tai chi, and it is all good. On the way back from the walk, I stopped by Guarabira’s bar for a 0% beer. I drank two there and the third on my way home.

What has been difficult today is that my supposed partner did not send me a ‘good morning’ until after I had to sent one. It sounds petty, and in a way it is, but it also shows, to me, that a relationship has to be 50/50, a two-way street with both parties equally participating.

There has always been an issue between us about exchanging good mornings first thing, especially when I came back to Brazil. I noticed that she would only send me a good morning after I had sent one, even though she gets up before me because of the time difference.

England is 3, sometimes 4, hours ahead of Brazil. It would be appropriate for her to send me one as soon as she gets up, since she clearly expects the same from me here in Brazil, just later.

As I had noticed that it was a little like this and, in my interpretation, one-sided, I told her about it. Even so, nothing changed, completely ignorant of the situation.

This wouldn’t be a problem if she didn’t expect a proper good morning from me every day, just as she does with many other things she wants from me but doesn’t reciprocate or expect from herself. For me, this is the heart of the issue.

I have tried to make excuses for her and to convince myself that it is not important, but I have noticed that it affects my peace and mental health. Because of this situation, my personal balance goes crazy, leaving me feeling tired. It seems unnatural; it’s always heavy, and it shouldn’t be.

I have tried to talk to her about this, but ultimately, if it were a healthy relationship, there wouldn’t be this kind of issue, conversation, stress, and disappointment. Everything I am saying now shouldn’t be necessary in a healthy, good, and positive relationship.

This morning, I woke up to no good morning. OK, no problem, but I sent her a “good morning,” and then she sent me one with an embarrassed emoji, which suggests she was trying to make me look stupid and provoke. More importantly, I have noticed a pattern of her not wanting to voluntarily please and be kind; it is just for her to receive.

Just being friendly and kind, knowing what your partner likes, and doing something to please him or her is so good and special, and it reaps loads for both of you and the relationship in the future.

When I was in England, we did not get intimate. When she came to Brazil to visit me, she never once cooked for me. I asked her to cook for me just once, as cooking for someone is a form of affection, but she couldn’t. There was always an excuse.

Now we are apart, I in Brazil and she in England. She’s incapable of sending a good morning. As I said, it’s not just about me wanting something to feed my ego. More importantly, I don’t want to be in another relationship where I’m giving and giving and giving and not receiving. It has to be a balance, but my intuition keeps shouting at me that it’s not.

Saying good morning, especially to a loved one or someone special in your life, is really very nice.

I also like to naturally say good morning to people in the street, such as policemen, workers, and street cleaners. For me, this is a pleasure and a form of respect for them and their work, but it also has a subtle kindness to it that people may recognise, though it’s not so clear.

Saying good morning to someone is very nice. I think it’s even more special than saying “good afternoon” or “good evening”. They’re all very nice, but good morning is especially special. Maybe it’s because it’s the morning, the beginning of the day, and we have the whole unknown day ahead.

When we greet someone with “good morning,” we acknowledge that we are alive and embracing a new day, and we wish them well for that day ahead.

Maybe I’m looking too much into it, but I do take great pleasure in wishing people I know, or only know by sight, a good morning. It makes me feel good to do so, and to receive a sincere “good morning,” especially from a loved one, feels very good.

Since this morning, we haven’t spoken, and this game has been going on for a long time. I am tired. I think it’s time to walk away. The universe is showing me what I have to do. If I don’t, I’m stupid and maybe deserve to suffer. And that makes me a c#nt.