Journalled on Tuesday, 20 January 2026 | Santo Cristo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 26 degrees, hot, humid, overcast and with showers.
Today is a bank holiday in Rio. I think it’s either the anniversary of the city of Rio de Janeiro or the patron saints’ day; I’m not really sure.
I knew it before, but today, while writing this journal entry, I have forgotten. I could have taken the trouble to look it up on Google, and perhaps after writing, I will, and usually I would have done such a thing, but at the moment, I can’t be bothered.
And this raises two questions: looking up information I previously would have had, or known, and the lack of motivation to do something I would have done without a second thought before.
I’ve noticed that last year significantly affected my sense of ageing. Although I am fit, not truly overweight, active, and in good shape, I feel I have aged dramatically over the past 12 months.
A pupil of mine once told me at my school that she felt she had aged significantly from 58 to 61.
I’m unsure if I’m just imagining it, but I’ve noticed some small changes. In the past, I always felt young and active; now I don’t. I don’t necessarily feel old, just not as young as I once thought I was.
When I look at myself in the mirror in the morning, I see some battle scars from life, disguised as new wrinkles, a spot that was not there before, and a worn appearance that only time grants.
I’ve also noticed that I am becoming more forgetful and making silly mistakes at work. Since much of the computer work is repetitive and involves small details, errors like forgetting to do something or doing it poorly stand out to me, because I would never have made those mistakes in the past.
Ageing should be like a good wine or cheese: with time, it supposedly improves, and one of the reasons for that is acceptance, or, more accurately, radical acceptance.
We must accept our current state of who we are and where we stand at this very moment. It sounds obvious, but many people don’t understand, don’t want to accept, or even refuse to recognise it.
Exactly a year ago today, Julie returned to England. She had stayed with me for nearly a month, and we visited many places, including three or four days in Paraty, 250 kilometres south of Rio, which was sublime.
However, I felt somewhat relieved when she left, partly because when you receive someone, especially someone special, you worry more about them than yourself, and whether they are genuinely enjoying themselves and switching on this people-pleasing mode is quite exhausting.
I think this people-pleasing behaviour stems from my experience with my mother, that I would only receive some validation or affection if I did something to hurt. I’m thinking about it now. Julie only does something positive for us if something has already been done.
I believe that after Julie left, the last year was partly spent processing what had happened while she was here and recognising that, from the beginning of my life, I have always aimed to please others rather than myself.
When I say pleasing, I’m not referring to drinking, drugs, etc., but rather about forgetting yourself and prioritising others. This brings me to the second question: why can’t I be bothered to look up why today is a bank holiday?
Is it because it is not important to me?
With this sense of premature ageing and always living my life for others, while also analysing where I am and who I am at the moment, I am simply filtering what is essential for me and what is not.
Yasmin’s coldness toward me over the last month has also been a catalyst for seeing what is important and not, and for seeing who finds me important in their lives and wants me in theirs.
I get the impression that maybe my daughters will only see my importance later on, when I have gone, or when they have their own children, or if never. I honestly don’t mind that; it is what it is. It concerns me more what I can do with the limited quality time I have before I die.
I want to lead a fulfilling life until that day and avoid being brought down or enslaved to anything or anyone that is not good or healthy for me.
Let’s see!
It has been a good, productive day!
In bed by 10 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
