Written on Friday, 19 July 2024 | Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 23 degrees, warm, sunny, and slightly overcast.
It is Friday, the end of the working week. It has been a good week, but not as good as I would have liked.
My site is not monetised yet, but I know it is just a question of time and solving the last minor issues. I had a nice online meeting with Alex. He told me that we were so close and that it should be monetised within the week. If anything arises, we will resolve it too. Until it is done, there is no going back now.
The big surprise of the day was that Julie contacted me, and we eventually talked. At first, the conversation was a little cold, sharp, and defensive, but after an hour on a voice call, it became calmer, lighter, and friendlier.
When I was younger, to talk to a loved one, a partner etc for more than an hour on the phone, I would have considered to be a feat, a reference to how close and good our relationship is, a kind of indicator, showing and demonstrating the quality of our relationship and maybe it is, or it could be in some ways.
Now, I’m not so sure. I don’t know whether it’s because it was with Julie or whether it’s just me, but conversing for more than an hour on a call could be seen as a little superficial or superfluous for me at the moment.
As I have just mentioned, it has to do with the person we were talking to and how you feel about the quality of the conversation. Now, thinking about it more, the third factor would be how you feel after such a conversation with such a person.
It was a nice surprise to speak to her. We had not spoken in a little over a week. There is the saying, “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, and I think it is true in many situations, including for me.
I have been thinking about her a lot, but in situations like this, we create an image that no longer exists. Unfortunately, it seems to have gone, and we are holding onto something like sand slipping through our fingers of an open hand.
It should be considered good and proactive for our cause, but for me, it wasn’t. I felt a mix of anger, disgust, and deception, but, more importantly, I thought I was participating in something futile and without a future.
So why was I doing it? Why was I in this situation? Why was I allowing myself to repeat myself? And how can I get out of it as quickly as possible?
Surprisingly, I had never noticed before in such a situation how exhausted I felt, both physically and mentally, after just one conversation. It was not all bad, but it was more like playing a chess game against a deadly opponent, with a psychological jab at any moment, so I had to be ready, on my toes, waiting for it at any time.
I was walking on eggshells. I had to watch every word and sentence I said, because the simplest sentence could be completely misunderstood and, consequently, could cause another tidal wave of superfluous doubts and questions.
It is obvious to me that I am not the same. Maybe she is too. The result was a strange conversation that lasted more than an hour and left me feeling unwell. If anything, it confirmed what I was already feeling and suspected.
After speaking with Julie and having an online meeting with Alex, I went to the local supermarket, bought a cheap bottle of wine, cracked it open at home, and drank it to drown out some of my thoughts and frustration.
In bed by 11p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
