Written on 17th of January | Santo Cristo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 34 degrees, very hot, sunny and slightly overcast.
It is Saturday, and another weekend alone without Yasmin and without a girlfriend, too.
Yasmin is on her school holidays, which is fine, but as I was a little disappointed with her before Christmas and told her some home truths, I feel she is disappointed with me as well.
I feel that every day she is disappointed with me, or is it just that I am deep down disappointed with myself? There have been 3 highlights today for different reasons:
1. When I went for a walk in the early afternoon, on the way back, I passed through the tunnel that connects the Central train station, the main train station in Rio, with Gamboa, the neighbourhood next to mine.
Sometimes I do a road-trip walk, passing through tunnels for the VLT tram service or traffic, which you really shouldn’t do or is dangerous. For a typical middle-class Brazilian who owns a car and has grown up in an unseen form of division or segregation, it is unthinkable to do what I have been doing for the past 30 years or so.
It is neither considered right, acceptable, nor logical for a middle-class person to undertake certain actions I do because of the risk involved, such as walking through the tunnels in Rio that connect different neighbourhoods.
However, I do it, and I certainly don’t do it to attract attention; I do it because I want to, and it feels natural to me. When I was walking back, returning to Santa Critso, I passed through the tunnel for the VLT tram system. On the way out, I saw a tram approaching from behind, while two vendors on tricycles came from the opposite direction.
When I stood in the middle of the tracks to photograph the approaching tram, they voluntarily stopped so I could take the shot without ruining it.
How fantastic that is!
I hadn’t asked them to do that; they did it naturally, which I thought was truly amazing. I have seen many academically or financially well-prepared people who would not even think twice before continuing, photobombing the shot, and doing so without any consideration whatsoever.
They paused beside me, patiently waiting for me to take the correct shot. After the tram had passed, they continued on their way, but only after I sincerely thanked them for their courtesy.
2. The second highlight was that I visited the food truck in the condominium after my walk, where I encountered a man with some others I knew.
The last time we met, I had drunk a bit more than usual. I was somewhat aggressive during the conversation about politics here in Brazil because I knew he supported PT, the Labour Communist Party, which I believe is destroying the country.
I’m also a bit bitter because I feel I have wasted much of my life in Brazil. If PT hadn’t been in power for the last 20 years, I believe I would have been far more successful and financially better off here in Brazil than I am now.
I recognise that it is not entirely right, as I am the owner of my own life and destiny, so much of the responsibility lies in the decisions I have made, particularly the poor ones, or in my own limitations.
However, when I see people defending a corrupt government that has wrecked so many families, lives, companies, etc., and the damage is so devastating, I become angry.
This man was sitting with common friends, and I felt it was necessary to apologise for my behaviour the last time we were together. I think he was a little surprised by my apology. He said that he was not offended by the past, and everything was fine, and I was relieved; it was a bit of a weight off my shoulders.
3. And the third highlight was that Julie wants to come to Brazil for my 60th birthday in April, which, in and of itself, is very nice, and she is very welcome.
However, as I paid a fortune the last time she came. There was also a lot of stress and confusion before she arrived, and our relationship has always been full of ups and downs and chaos since then. I sent her a message saying she would be very welcome if she came, but I do not have the financial means to pay for her ticket this time.
My financial situation is far worse than it was last year, and I don’t want to spend a fortune on her coming over if our relationship remains mediocre, with no real progress or clarity, whilst also feeling unappreciated and not reciprocated.
She did not like my answer, and probably in the next couple of days we will talk, but at least I was sincere about what I thought and felt, and without regretting it if I had not said anything.
In bed by 9 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
