Relationships | Complexity, Growth and Self-Awareness

Journalled on Saturday, 7 October 2023 | Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro: 34 degrees, hot, sunny, clear blue sky.

I am not feeling well today. After yesterday’s confusion, a flood of memories returned, reminding me of the same situation.

The first time we lived together, Nalva went to work while I decided to clean and tidy the house. Instead of being happy and grateful when she returned, she was quite the opposite, resentful and critical. Our argument that day led to our first separation, and since then, there have been others for similar reasons.

So, I find myself questioning: Am I wrong? Am I foolish? Do I expect too much, even after so many similar experiences? Why do I insist on holding on to something that seems broken and doesn’t actually exist?

If I could, I would gather my things and disappear. It is something I genuinely long to do. I see many families who seem happy, and I cannot help wondering why it is so difficult for me to have anything that resembles that happiness. I am not feeling sorry for myself; I genuinely want a change. I long for something tranquil and soothing. I do not want to keep repeating the same mistakes.

I am disappointed with Nalva, but I am even more disappointed in myself for a few reasons. First, I allowed myself to get into this situation. Second, I let her affect me; maybe I reacted more for Yasmin’s sake than for my own. Yes, Yasmin will have to coexist with her while I travel. Lastly, I am frustrated with myself for confronting her. I shouldn’t have done that; it all became too much.

Jordan Peterson has often discussed the differences between men and women.

He emphasises that men tend to be big and strong, using their physical strength in conflicts. In contrast, women, who may not possess the same physical strength, often rely on their intellect to navigate disputes.

This dynamic explains why, at times, a woman can outmanoeuvre, manipulate and guilt-trip a man; she employs arguments he would never consider. Consequently, men often find themselves at a mental disadvantage in such situations.

We all have our weapons in war. A man’s weapon is often his physical size and strength. By contrast, when facing a physical disadvantage, a woman relies on her intellect. Therefore, a man is typically at a disadvantage when arguing with a woman.

I have decided to keep my distance for now. I want to focus on preserving my well-being until the trip. As I have mentioned, I am more disappointed with myself than with her. One of the reasons I temporarily moved in with Nalva and Yasmin was not just for financial gain but also to ensure everything is all right before I travel, so they will be okay while I am away.

Naturally, I am more concerned about Yasmin, since she is my daughter. When I return to Brazil, I will need to find a place to live and start over. I do not plan to come back and live with them.

Sadia Khan is another well-known online psychologist who discusses relationships. She states that the key factor in a lasting relationship is how well we manage our childhood traumas.

Many of us have witnessed unstable and aggressive relationships, which can negatively affect our future partnerships. As we grow older and become involved with someone, we may begin to sabotage ourselves and the relationship because we feel that everything is “too good to be true.” These unresolved childhood traumas can lead us to undermine our future romantic connections.

Often, we become more accustomed to conflict and confusion than to peace and tranquillity. We might find ourselves asking, “Is it me, her, or are both of us broken?” rather than seeking something soothing and safe. Unfortunately, we may end up experiencing more confusion and aggression than peace and well-being.

Sometimes I miss the peace of living alone in Copacabana. I could do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, and with whomever I wanted. As humans, we might think we can go it alone, but we are inherently social creatures; we thrive in groups and partnerships. It makes sense for us to support our partners, just as they should support us. Without them, things can sometimes feel much worse.

We need to become increasingly aware of our repetitive mistakes and patterns. As human beings, we often repeat the same good and bad behaviours. Understanding what is “bad” requires self-reflection, especially regarding our darker side.

Rather than trying to fix these tendencies, we should aim for awareness. By acknowledging them, we can learn to manage and coexist with our flaws, gaining insight into what is beneficial and what is harmful for us. Acknowledging our negative traits can even lead to personal growth.

Hiding our flaws and negative tendencies only allows them to fester. If left unchecked, they can become overwhelming. Many of us are apprehensive about confronting our flaws, especially those rooted in childhood. However, when we face these hidden aspects, like opening Pandora’s box, we have the opportunity to grow into better people.

This transformation benefits not just ourselves but also those around us.