Journalled on Thursday, 20 July 2023 | Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 22 degrees, sunny and slightly overcast.

It is Thursday and almost the weekend, and I feel a little guilty.

I haven’t been able to develop or do anything with the sites in the last couple of weeks. This is due to not knowing exactly what I want for each site and its identity. I also feel I’m procrastinating a lot now, and I need to come to terms with it and stop.

One part of me is so used to giving classes, and I have been so dependent on it for so long that, with only one income, with or without the school, breaking the mould and doing something else is hard, but I know it has to be done. It is as if I do not deserve more apart from giving classes, and I know that I so do!

I am sabotaging myself, and I have to stop it. So many people are much less prepared than I am and earn much less than I do. Over the years, I have prepared many people to make a jump in their careers for better situations, not just in English.

English has been a vehicle for helping others; now, I have to do it for myself, my loved ones and the people around me.

I recently saw a short video about a very successful person who specialises in digital marketing. The video’s main point was that he openly admitted he was not the most intelligent person, but he valued himself and his capacity.

He also said that most people do not feel worthy of success, a kind of wall that blocks, and because external doubts from others constantly chip away at the back of their minds, they hold themselves hostage to a no-win lifestyle of monotony with zero risk.

I have had this, and I am having this, and again, it is another form of self-sabotage. I am aware of this and have been working to change it over the last couple of years to better myself. The only natural way to rectify this is to take action and make the plunge into whatever you want to do and believe in.

Jumping into the unknown in any situation is a daunting and scary task. Still, no matter the circumstances, it eventually ties up many loose ends we may have been carrying aimlessly around for so long.

I have also learnt that when we take the first step, no matter how large or small, things, our lives, and reality begin to change and come together; the universe only conspires and works in our favour when we ourselves begin to take action.

And if we are wise enough and conscious enough of the difficulties, problems, and even our limitations that lie ahead, then 50% of the problem is already resolved.

I haven’t completed everything I’d like, but I’m still moving forward, which is better than going backwards.

I moved in to live with Yasmin and Nalva at the start of May; it is now the end of July, almost three months. I have helped improve living conditions by making small improvements to the flat. I think I have helped Nalva build a better relationship with Yasmin, which is important to me.

It has also been good to live with Nalva to know exactly what I want in the future and what exactly the past meant. Yasmin has had more daily contact with me, her father, which I am enjoying. I have also been able to pay off some debts, sort out my Brazilian ID, buy some clothes for when I go to England, resume my dental treatment, and plan my life at least until the end of the year.

I think I have done well considering!!!

Now, I will have to focus on the sites, buy a flight ticket, and upload my first YouTube videos, either for my blog or as an English teacher. The procrastination and sabotage must stop. Now, it is just work and building.

Nalva is at home, so we had a good lunch. I am giving classes until 8 p.m., and everything is good. There is no stress, confusion, arguments, or fighting; everybody is in their place.