Wordsley, Stourbridge, England: 19 degrees, cool, overcast with showers.
It is Tuesday, two days before I return to Brazil. I do not know what to expect; it has been seven months since I was there. Will everything be the same, or have there been changes? Or have I changed during this time?
I also have the Julie factor in the equation!
Am I star-struck like a teenager, just as my mother mentioned one night, or is it merely another girlfriend relationship that will peter out after a while, or is it something that will flourish, grow, and become stronger?
Am I emotionally immature in relationships, always searching for someone, and when I do find someone, I look for faults in the relationship and want to run away from it?
Is it really time for me to consider settling down and getting married, or living with someone, or having something serious with someone? Because the truth is, I have never been married, and at 60, it would be a new experience.
Cibele and I lived together for about five years, and Nalva for almost ten, but we were never married. I believe this relates to my parents’ divorce and, in particular, my mother as a female figure in my life, who serves as a negative example for me. I may have a trauma linked to her, a negative image I can’t shake or forget, which causes me to project my mother’s failures onto other women in my life.
Or do I look for women who are not right for me to confirm that they are like my mother, or do I see failures as if they were the same as my mother, as a form of projection to confirm that they resemble her and justify my lack of commitment.
These are the key words: commitment, to dedicate myself to one woman no matter what, obviously without losing my own personality and identity, the right person, the right woman who loves and supports me as a woman should, as I would reciprocate, to dedicate myself to her and a relationship that is balanced, equal, fulfilling, and healthy for both.
Julie and I had a quick lunch today at a local fun pub we enjoy. The barmen are very friendly; one of them, a Scotsman like Jim, has a strong Scots accent that sometimes makes it hard to understand exactly what he’s saying. You get the gist of his meaning, the subject, and we nod in agreement, but it can be quite difficult to understand.
Julie and I were talking when I asked her about Sarah, my mother’s neighbour who has known my mother for more than 20 years. Sarah went into the café, Julie recognised her, and asked if she was Sarah, as I had mentioned her to Julie before.
She confirmed, and Sarah asked Julie if she was the lady with the cockapoo, Austin, who jumps out of the car whenever Julie comes to collect me. Sarah’s husband works with dogs, particularly cockapoos, so they started talking extensively about their shared interests, before moving on to my mother.
Julie asked Sarah about my mother because I didn’t want Julie to have any contact with her during my stay. On the few occasions my mother had visited the café before I went to England and met Julie, she didn’t like her and made her feelings quite clear. I have, from the beginning, tried to protect Julie from my mother and any potentially complicated situation.
Sarah, after some coaxing from Julie, replied that my mother was a dragon, not a very nice person, and highly opinionated, always barging in and giving her opinion without considering others’ feelings, while being quite aggressive at the same time.
I insisted on Julie telling me all that Sarah had said, which Julie was embarrassed to say, but after telling me, I had a sense of relief. I felt relieved knowing that somebody else, who I consider to be a good person, has the same impression and feeling as me, that it is not just me who is crazy.
I can live my life knowing that when I was young, I was not such a terrible child that my mother blames or insinuates I am, and for all the bad things that happened at home. What I understand is that parents are meant to love, teach, and give direction to their children. My brother and I never received this.
Today, I bought more crypto!
In bed at midnight.
In bed by 11:00 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading this blog post. Please explore my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments section.
Richard
