Journalled on Tuesday, 15 July 2025 | Santo Cristo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 22 degrees, coolish, sunny and slightly overcast.

It is Tuesday, and I am working well, despite the highs and lows of grief.

After going no contact, I feel a level of grief I have never experienced before. It was clear to me that if I didn’t, everything would continue as before and probably only get worse. I told this person via messaging that I did not feel comfortable having contact with her, but she did not seem to care or show any respect.

I also noticed a recurring pattern of going without contact for a couple of months, and when contact was resumed, it was as though nothing had happened or changed, and nothing had improved.

This repetition has become increasingly evident.

It happened last year. We spent about four months without talking, and when we got back together, it was very nice but exhausting. This is something we both noticed while we were together.

Even when I was here in Brazil, and she was there in England, we talked via WhatsApp; however, I kept yawning, and she noticed and commented on it several times.

At the time, I did not think much of it, but now, looking back, I realise I was always tired, down, and exhausted. I was able to do honour and perform all the tasks and duties I should have, but at a slower, drained pace, and, again, I was always tired.

It was as if I were carrying an invisible iron ball and chain with me all the time, and every time we spoke, I grew increasingly tired.

Now I’m feeling more energised since having no contact with her. Even though my mind isn’t 100%, thinking about all that has happened and feeling a sense of failure for not making it go ahead still hurts a lot.

However, I have the energy to focus on my work and future without pity.

I honestly thought she was the one, the person I would spend my days with. To come to terms with the fact that I was wrong and that, in some way, I had made a big ass of myself, provokes self-analysis within me about who I really am.

How could I have been so stupid as to assume so much in such a short period of time? Arriving at 60, haven’t I learned anything yet? All these years of surviving alone in Brazil, providing for myself without any family, etc., haven’t taught me anything? Am I still stupid, not seeing the obvious signs, the red flags, that it was not going to happen?

It seems I am being hard on myself. I’m beating myself up a little, but I am also feeling tired after yet another deception in my life, and at 59, which, in some ways, could be seen as a little ridiculous or even pathetic.

What I have learned, however, during this time, more so after the breakup than during it, is that the answers to all of my and anybody else’s questions can only be found within ourselves, not by looking to others, such as this person, for example, in my case.

We can only heal and become a better person by looking into ourselves, our needs, our projections, our flaws and failings, and how we are feeling, not necessarily the other. We have to look after ourselves, because if we do, then maybe sometime in the future, if I meet another who is at peace with herself, then we can walk together and share.

I am not here to heal another; I’m here to make myself good enough, whole enough to be at peace with myself, and from that, for the other, and vice versa.

I once thought I could help or even fix this person, but it is not my job, nor hers, nor anyone else’s. As I consider myself an empath, one who feels but also wants to fix, which is a complete misconception in itself

My role as an empath is not to fix but to reveal and show. Now that I understand this, I’m looking back over the years, and it has always been my role, unconsciously, to reveal. Now that I am conscious of it, I should have known this a long time ago; only now has everything become clearer to me.

My responsibility is to myself, and although I can feel that something or someone is not aligned, I have the option to reveal it, to show what could be to the other, and it is up to them to make a choice and to take the path they feel is best.

It is not necessary to be so invested in wanting or caring enough to do what is right; again, that’s a personal choice, and it is not my responsibility.

I have done my part. If it is good and proactive for that person, it is good for both of us. It also frees me of any further responsibility and, more importantly, of the energy spent worrying about someone else, especially when my own house and garden need attention, care, and love.

My priority is myself and my well-being, and worrying so much about others is a form of self-abuse and neglect. I am sorry if I expected too much of Julie and if I thought she would be able to do what I saw as clearly possible for her to improve her life and reduce her suffering.

It is up to her to find her own way, and to me, my own, and if we are aligned in the right direction, way, values, etc., then so be it.