Journalled on Monday, 30 September 2024 | Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro, Brazil: 29 degrees, hot and sunny with blue skies.

It is Monday, and I begin the week with a quiet sense of expectation. Last Thursday and Friday, I signed the lease for a tiny studio in Rio’s port area.

I am genuinely looking forward to it because it marks the beginning of a new chapter in my life. In some ways, it reminds me of my time in Copacabana, when I lived alone. Back then, I was dating Katia. Now, I am not dating anyone.

This is a time for me. Instead of worrying about others or losing myself in someone else’s problems, I need this solitude so I can reconnect with myself and focus on my own future.

I want to be free from distractions so I can invest in myself, Richard George James Jackson, and build a stronger foundation for the next couple of years. To do that, I need to understand myself better. After so many ups and downs over the last year and a half, and after facing so many challenges and disappointments, I feel I have already become more self-aware.

Even so, I would like to go deeper.

I have learned that, if we want to be happy in our external lives, with friends, family, relationships, work, and everything else, we first need to be in tune with who we really are. We need to look at ourselves in the mirror, recognise ourselves, accept ourselves, and take ownership of who we are.

The better we know ourselves, including our flaws, limitations, and weaknesses, the better we can live with ourselves and, consequently, with the outside world.

It is not easy to become truly self-aware. Much of who we are is connected to our childhood and to the traumas we experienced then. Many of those wounds are carried unconsciously throughout our lives. If we never become aware of them, they can poison, disrupt, and wreak havoc on our adult lives, especially in our relationships.

Over the last couple of months, since I returned to Brazil, I have been racking my brain, trying to understand exactly what happened in England with my mother and Julie. In some ways, it had opened a small Pandora’s box inside me.

The conflicts with my mother spilt over into my inner world, reminding me of my childhood while also showing me what is no longer acceptable in my life, particularly when it comes to my mental health. This toxic tide was not limited to my mother or to memories of the past; it also revealed patterns in my relationship with Nalva and, to a lesser extent, with Julie.

When I lived with Nalva, I said many times that it felt as though I had married my mother. The same verbal cruelty, manipulation, and even the dynamic my father had with my mother were repeated in our relationship.

After a great deal of self-reflection, it now seems reasonably clear to me that I consciously chose to be with a woman like my mother in an attempt to win her over unconsciously, or to receive the love I did not have as a child.

What I am trying to say is that, by understanding this now, at almost 60, I can be better with myself. I no longer need to look for someone else to give me the validation I wanted as a child, which I never received, and unconsciously believed I still needed as an adult.

Basically, not to repeat the same pattern that I have been repeating all my life until recently.

With this understanding, I feel that those chains have been broken on my side. I am no longer enslaved by what I once believed I unconsciously needed. I am free to live my life without seeking validation from someone I love. As for my mother, I respect her and forgive her, but I do not want to give her even one millimetre of my space, because I know she will not respect it.

At more than 80 years old, she cannot change. I tried to talk to her on several occasions while I was in England, but to no avail. I have heard the cruelty of her words when she is angry, unable to control the situation or control me. I have also seen her cry like a six-year-old because someone could not immediately do what she wanted, which revealed to me her deep insecurity and immature, childlike nature.

It’s not that I want to be cruel or for her to suffer; I only wish for her well-being and for myself to find peace with her.

I do not know what will happen over the next six months to a year. The unknown and the unexpected turns life takes can be something quite remarkable, because when you least expect it, something happens. I want to go back to England, but if I do, I do not want to stay with my mother. Going to England was an eye-opening experience. In some ways, I thought she might have changed, but she had not, and that is not my fault.

Self-awareness brings us into a grounded reality that was always there, even if we could not see it before. Because of that, it can feel rewarding, like a breath of fresh air in our lives, and something truly sublime.

And Julie, I think about her every day. I would have liked us to have had a deeper relationship. Only the future knows. At the same time, I feel that perhaps I dodged a bullet and got out while I could. She has her issues and problems to resolve, and I have mine. The short time we shared was very special, and I am grateful for it.