Journalled on Friday, 2 June 2023 | Flamengo, Rio de Janeiro: 25 degrees, hot, sunny, and slightly overcast.
Today is Friday, the second day of the new month.
It’s been almost a month since I started living with my ex-wife and daughter. Living with Yasmin is not a problem, even with her mood swings. It’s bearable, and interestingly enough, living with Nalva is not so bad either. We have been separated for around eight or nine years, so a lot has changed since then, including us.
To me, a person’s essence remains unchanged despite any changes in their life. Their essence may become more or less flexible, stubborn, honest, or dishonest, depending on their experiences.
Significant life events may bring about inner changes, but the foundation of who they are, their inner essence, remains the same. Therapy or the natural process of ageing may also cause changes in a person, but the core of their being stays the same.
I have lived with my ex-wife for almost a month, and during this time, I developed a great admiration for her. She is a hardworking and resilient person without financial security. Every day, she steps out to work and fights to survive.
In the evening, despite being physically and mentally tired, she cooks again because she is a cook by profession and at heart. I admire her because, no matter what, she always does what needs to be done.
I didn’t fully understand this when we were married, but I do now. Because of this realisation, I could never abandon or harm my ex-wife. I now see myself more as a father figure to her than as a husband or ex-husband. She is the mother of my younger daughter, Yasmin, and I need to support her as much as I can to help ease her pain.
The last time my mother came to Rio to visit, she suddenly said something out of the blue at the end of her stay, taking her to the airport by taxi for her flight back to England. She told me that Nalva did not know how to make a home for her family and that it was not her fault.
Because her parents had so many children, they did not teach her what she would need to do as a mother, wife, etc., to build a home. My mother is a median, and it made sense in some ways when she voluntarily spurted this out.
It is now clear to me that I had to spend six months with my daughter and Nalva before going to England. This was necessary to ensure that everything was in order while I was away.
Financially. Nalva must learn to value the money she earns and save some of it. She must also learn to be frugal by saving money and avoiding unnecessary purchases.
Organisation. She is not very organised. She tends to procrastinate and accumulates housework while also hoarding items she does not need. Please clean the dirty dishes the same day, and keep the kitchen clean and tidy before going to bed, rather than leaving it for tomorrow. In the flat, you can have a quick once over to be good for the rest of the day and when you return home from work.
Cooked leftovers should not be left on the stove or in the oven for days. Leftover food from the day before should be used up, not cooking something new and accumulating various leftovers that will never be used. These are the sort of things that can delay anybody’s growth and anybody else’s around.
Spiritually. She needs to stop complaining and adopt a more positive outlook. She has a pretty good life. She lives in the southern zone of Rio, and her family and relatives care about her. She has made progress in her work and is now the boss of her department.
She is valued, but she would benefit from focusing on what she has achieved and what she has in her life, rather than constantly complaining. While I am not a psychologist, I’m helping her in any way I can.
All I am sure of is that she is my younger daughter’s mother, so we have a history. I do not want to fix her, but I want to help her. Before I do, she must know how to help and value herself.
Friday was normal with classes, etc., except that in the evening we bought churrasquinho de gato (barbecue on a spit) from an old friend who sells barbecues on the street near the Flamengo metro station.
I used to buy barbecues from him and his ex-partner to take home when I had the dogs more than ten years ago. My mother created the habit of buying barbecue on Friday nights when she came to visit us and see Yasmin.
In bed by 10 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.
Richard
