Journalled on Wednesday, 19th of April 2023-3 Days to My Birthday | Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 26 degrees, cloudy and rainy.
Three days to my birthday, a little self-doubt and despair continue.
Now I have all of R$30 to my name, which is U$6 or about £5, to buy food or something for me or the flat.
There was no exercise out in the street today because I had an early class, so instead I did some light exercises at home early, without any rush, to prepare myself for the day.
I have a pupil who usually pays me early. I have already asked him if he could pay me early so that I will have money for my birthday. Besides this, I will need this money to buy a present for Dudu-Eduardo. He is a teenage boy, the son of a pupil of mine who asked me to give classes to them both about a year and a half ago.
He now speaks English fluently, and we have also built quite a nice friendship during this time. I promised him a present for his last two birthdays, thinking I would visit São Paulo since they live there, and his parents always invite me to see them there.
So, the money my pupil will pay in advance for next month also has to cover a gift for Dudu.
What kind of man, at 56, nearly 57, is living financially from one day to another, broke, with no reserve, and in some ways a bit or even entirely in loser territory? I know I am being hard on myself and should not compare, but my brother in England, a lathe-turner and skilled professional, has his own house with mod cons, a good car, etc., and travels abroad on holiday every year.
He did not emigrate to a complicated country to live like me. He has never lived out of England for a long or short length of time, so in some ways, and because of this, he has materially done much better than I have.
My brother is a straightforward, down-to-earth person who has not travelled extensively but has managed to survive, support his family, and build a small but significant patrimony.
I say this because, as a child, he was super hyperactive and utterly uncontrollable, and if there were any confusion in the street where we lived and played or at our school, my brother would be in the middle of it.
My parents’ separation and eventual divorce were highly complicated, drawn out and painful for everyone, particularly for my brother. My mother was a very hysterical and emotionally unbalanced woman who tried to put us against our father.
After the divorce, my father disappeared and started a new family.
I think that my brother was and is more emotional than I am; maybe he suffered more from the family fighting and feuds than I did, which finally caused him to have a nervous breakdown early on in his life.
I think the guilt and pity our mother may have felt, and consequently trying to protect and spoil him at the same time, later resulted in him being distant by pushing his old family away, only having time for his new direct family that he built with his wife and children, but forgetting his old one.
There are still some family feuds, bad blood, etc., that have lasted for more than 20 years, with my brother not speaking to or calling our mother.
My mother was, and has always been, highly critical, particularly of my brother, me, and our father. I have always defended him, saying that he was the most likely to have turned to crime or drugs, but never did. He was a heavy drinker, but never hard drugs or crime.
I have always told my mother not to criticise him so much. Despite his tendency to be a little crazy, he has made the right choices in life and become a hard-working family provider, a good father, and a faithful husband.
So, it is Wednesday, the middle of the week. I have R$30 and am in an existential crisis before turning 57. I am with a feeling of shame, guilt, and self-loathing for what I have not done or achieved until now in my life.
All this will have to be resolved before Saturday!!!
I haven’t discussed the Brazil factor yet, but I’d like to talk about it tomorrow. In some ways, it could be an excuse or a significant obstacle to my personal growth, as well as to that of many others.
I am in bed by 8.30 p.m.
Thank you.
Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.
Richard
