Journalled on Wednesday, 26th of April 2023 | Copacabana, Rio de Janeiro: 28 degrees, warm, sunny, and stormy at the end of the day.
It is Wednesday, the middle of the week, and I am waking up with a woman beside me.
A beautiful woman is lying next to me in my bed, and all I want to do is do the things I like to do every morning.
It is about 6 am, and the effects of drinking two bottles of wine, combined with my age, are making me slow. I will have to get up, make coffee, brush my teeth, wash my face, and get her to leave in the nicest way possible.
I have always been a bit of a womaniser; women have always been easy to talk to. Consequently, moving from one relationship to another never took long.
I’ve never had a problem with people not dating for a long time. As a young boy in secondary school, I was extremely shy around girls, especially when approaching them to talk.
However, as I grew older, my shyness gradually went away. Part of this was because I travelled and lived in another country, where you are alone and, if you need something, you have to ask or find a way to communicate.
However, in the last year or so, I have changed considerably. I have learnt to enjoy my own company, something I may not have done before, even unconsciously. Nowadays, it sometimes seems to me that it is too much work to go out, go to a party, meet friends, or even go on a date- situations I wouldn’t have thought twice about in the past. I often prefer to do my own thing without the obligation to please others.
It sounds terribly selfish, and in some ways it is, though valuing your own company is priceless.
Even doing housework voluntarily tidying your own place without anybody nagging or obliging, doing it of your own accord- is priceless, amazingly cheap and effective therapy. Why pay a therapist if your mental health is good and your home is squeaky clean and tidy at the same time?
So, I got up, made coffee and breakfast for us both, had a shower, and we eventually said our goodbyes for the day. This person is very special to me, and we have had an on-and-off story for quite some time.
The past and today’s history are no longer necessarily the same. I feel this, and I sincerely hope she does too, so that she is not deceiving herself. In my defence, I am neither wanting to nor trying to deceive her.
I am not the type of man who would say anything to have his way; I have always tried to be sincere and transparent about my intentions, what I want, and my boundaries. The big problem is that 99.9% of the time, people only see, hear and understand what they want, which is complicated.
I only know that when we do something, we really, deep down, do not want to do it. I am not just talking about morality, but about when we would prefer to do something else and would rather say no, bowing our heads to facilitate the situation and please others, going against our will. We pay a heavy price for this, as if we are constantly walking on eggshells.
It is essential to say “NO”!!! First, we do; then the others. It is better to disappoint someone at the beginning than to deceive them all the way to the end, which generally becomes more complicated by then.
N=NO comes before Y=Yes in the alphabet; it should be natural to say no more times than yes. “It is illogical to suffer internally while trying to please someone.
There is no point in spiritually bleeding while trying to please someone we don’t want to please. It is toxic, especially when the other person doesn’t really value our efforts.
We talked briefly while I prepared breakfast, and then she left for work. It was an enjoyable night, and I will have to force myself more than usual to fulfil my duties for the rest of the day; many classes and a book chapter await me.
In bed by 8 p.m.
Thank you very much.
Thanks for reading my blog. Check out my other posts and share your thoughts in the comments.
Richard
